Someone asked me, “What is the most impactful bit of advise you have that could help literally anyone?” I thought about boundaries. Always necessary. I thought about how belief in a higher power is crucial to having purpose that is non-selfish. These are foundational basics. However, I decided that the best advice I can give that would apply to literally anyone, that could make the most profound difference in the world, is this:
The majority of human beings you come into contact with don’t need your judgement. They need your compassion and your curiosity.
Think about what this means for a minute. Think about friends and family members that you have opinions about. Think about someone in your circle that you’re quick to dismiss.
Meanwhile, here’s a great example of something that happened to me recently. One of my family members that I’ve always had good rapport with didn’t like something I shared on my private social media. This person decided to try to berate, embarrass and shame me there on the platform. They even used foul language. Considering the verbally abusive nature of the family that raised me, this was not surprising but it was disappointing. I’ve worked hard to protect myself from such treatment by developing strong boundaries. Just when I think I’ve conquered and overcome, another little snake slithers back in for a strike. Regardless, the point is this… instead of attacking me, what that family member could have done is open a private dialog with me about the situation. They could have told me their feelings and asked me “what were you thinking?” Knowing me, if something I did seemed out of character, why wouldn’t they reach out with compassion and curiosity instead of offense and judgement?
Well, here’s why! As a society, we have become so sheltered from each other, enveloped in our own narcissistic thoughts, judging everyone outside of our safe bubbles that we have lost the desire to understand others. The knee-jerk reaction to anything we don’t understand is “Judge this awful human being! Throw that first stone!” I’m not saying we shouldn’t judge those who commit crimes. I’m saying we need to try to connect with our brothers and sisters with curiosity and compassion by asking sincere questions. Choose kindness. Seek to understand. Maybe one could begin practicing this by just pretending to care. Once we pretend to care enough, we may start to genuinely care.
As a side note, a similar situation has happened to me before in the past with friends/acquaintances. What can be learned from this is not everyone that calls themself “friend” is really a friend. Some of them are passive haters, watching and waiting for you to screw up so they can point the finger and try to turn others against you. They are Accusers. You know who else is called the accuser, right? Evaluate your acquaintances and keep your inner circle small and tight.
Back to the topic! Curiosity = questions. Here are some questions that could help open a dialog with a friend or family member that you find yourself judging:
Tell me more about why ___ is important to you?
When you said “___”, what did you mean?
When you did this, it surprised me. What were you thinking/feeling?
Help me understand ___?
You’re important to me/I care about you. But this behavior troubles me. Can we talk about it?
Our dialog probably won’t change the person but it could make them feel seen. It could make them feel loved. It could make them feel accepted. It could soften their heart. This is what everyone needs. Our hearts have become so hard.
We have the potential to shut down so much of the polarization happening in America, especially within our own family and friend circles just by employing this one concept to all our relationships. Remember the old saying “BE the change that you wish to see in the world?” This is how we can begin.
Be A Sunflower... 